I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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