The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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