I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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