I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
