I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
