Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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