Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
