I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
send nudes
from the living room?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
