So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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