I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
