I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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