she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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