you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
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