i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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