saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Holy shit dude........stairs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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