You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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