That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
