I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
