I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
