If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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