i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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