So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
