two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
and you fell through a lawn chair
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
