someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
