I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
