Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
