just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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