he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Randomize
