This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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