it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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