just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
