drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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