he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
