i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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