2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
