I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
