I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
