I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
