Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
