dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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