worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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