you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize