Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
