you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
