I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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