just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
