Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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