I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
