I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
