i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
