I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
