dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
