so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
