Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
