Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
