my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
