I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
