He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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