i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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