The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
