we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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