I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
