Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
