If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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