I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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