where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
