Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize