He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All I want is dick and wine.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
