why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
