dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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