Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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