Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
