If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
