Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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